January 15, 2015

This Is What Will Happen If Someone Asks To Borrow A Book From Me...


Contract: Borrowing My Books

This contract is a binding document in reference to borrowing books according to the laws of the Queen of Books (AKA me). Read the following requirements and consequences for failure to comply with said requirements.

Requirements:

  • My books MUST stay in mint condition.
    • This includes: refraining from dog earing the pages, not writing or marking in the books AT ALL, and avoiding messing up the book in any way.
  • No one else is allowed to touch my book except for the person I loan it to.
  • The book must be kept in a safe place.
  • My book must be in a clean environment.
  • All paperback books WILL remain unbent and the spine unbroken.
  • My book will NOT be treated carelessly.

Consequences:

If I receive my book back and it is not the same as when I lent it to the borrower, the consequences will be severe.

  • The offender will be forced to buy me a new book.
    • I will demand that if it was a paperback, the offender buy me the hardback version.
  • The offender will award me a gift card to any bookstore of my choosing to make up for their ignorance and causing my emotional pain.
  • Our friendship will be null and void, after I get my book and gift card.
  • The offender will be slapped very hard.
  • Their soul will be sold to the highest bidder of my choosing.
  • Ultimately, they will die.
  • Failure to return my book will result in:
    • A murderous rampage.
    • A hunting party fit for a Queen.
    • The destruction of the stealers home.
    • The taking of all they hold dear.
    • Their immediate death thereafter my murderous rampage.
If you understand the severity of the consequences and the delicate nature of this contract, you may sign and print your name below allowing me access to everything you own and your soul. Also, you are required to sign in blood so that whoever claims your soul will be able to find you. Have a nice day.


Will your contract look similar to mine? This is mostly for fun, but if I was ever crazy enough to lend out my books this is what they would be given.